Patrick Logue: A recipe for good health, culled from the internet

I get a bit angry every time I eat an egg. I mostly love eggs, particularly scrambled and the white bit of a fried egg, but for years I avoided eating them too often over fears they were bad in anything other than small doses. They led to high cholesterol, we were told.

Well, apparently not. A few years ago, the advice changed – this was confirmed to me by the internet – to “an egg a day is okay”. It even rhymes. I could not believe it when I found it out. Now I try to eat at least one every day. Yum, yum: nice buttery scrambled eggs on white-bread toast, washed down with a nice full-fat latte for me, please. Doctor’s orders, don’t you know.

While I was in there poking around (the internet) I decided to have a look for more dietary advice as I bulge steadily into middle age. But the internet has left me somewhat confused. Everything you ever thought was bad for you is suddenly good for you. Close your eyes and think of your favourite food. Now imagine a man in a white coat with a smile on his face. He says your favourite food is good for you and has a 75-page research report that says so.

Take red wine. New research, according to a random internet search, shows the health benefits of drinking red wine are similar to those gained by taking exercise. It’s sort of like doing 5km, but from your couch, without the panting and with gas craic altogether. Boffins in the University of Alberta in Canada have discovered that red wine contains something called resveratrol, which boosts heart rate similar to the way exercising does.

I took a mental note and added this to the list of other benefits of red wine (if you drink one glass a day): it reduces the risk of some cancers and dementia, slows down the ageing process and is good for your heart. Surely if I take those seven glasses and save them up for Friday and Saturday night, this is okay and equivalent to, let’s say, an hour’s intensive cycling, no?

Dark chocolate

I had a further dig around and stumbled upon many articles about dark chocolate. It is apparently good for your heart and circulatory system, significantly reduces the risk of stroke and can reduce your levels of bad cholesterol. It makes you feel better and it’s good for your brain. Oh, and by the way it tastes really nice. I carried out that piece of research myself.

I also sought vindication online for my penchant for a nice piece of steak, cut fresh from the beast, sizzled in the pan just long enough so that it is singed on the outside and still red on the inside (Morrissey, cover your ears, darling). Is this a luxury my wellbeing can only afford once in a while? The internet tells me otherwise. Eating (a moderate amount of) lean beef can help you lose weight, is a great source of B vitamins and contains iron to give you energy. A minute minute steak, anyone?

Perfect recipe

Coffee, too, is a medical must, it turns out. It is one of the best ways of getting antioxidants into your body, according to people who know things and put it out on the interweb. Peanut butter, avocados, potatoes and white rice are also super for staying healthy. So I’m on the right dietary track.

Forget Lilly Higgins and her Give Me Five column (Fridays in the Irish Times Life section). I have come up with the perfect recipe, which is guaranteed (by the internet and a person in a white coat) to keep you alive and happy. It's called Paddy Logue's Gimme More plan. Here's day one: breakfast of scrambled eggs (4), made with butter, not milk, and washed down with lashings of really strong coffee. Hungrier people might want to bulk up with nice white batch bread and more real butter. (At least one piece of research must have discovered that white bread is a health food?) For the main course source a "f***-off fillet steak", as one of my friends calls them, from the local butcher and do a workout with a large glass of Rioja while that bad boy is in the pan. More coffee. Then a dessert of dark chocolate cake (hold the cream). More red wine. More dark chocolate for a snack before bed if you're peckish. This is a meal of kings and scientists and a sure-fire way to a long life.

Terms and conditions apply: (a) it might not be true; (b) this diet works best on laboratory rats; (c) everything in moderation, particularly advice found on Google; (d) eating too much makes you unhealthy; (e) drinking one glass of wine a day and putting the cork back in the bottle is stressful in its own way, so just forget it and drink water; (f) if it’s too good to be true then it probably isn’t true; (g) coffee makes you jumpy; (h) nice things are bad for you,I firmly believe; just ask your kids if you don’t believe me; (i) there’s no avoiding it: fruits et legumes are your only man. Eat your greens and turn the internet off.

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• Michael Harding is on leave